The details aren’t important. We need to focus on one important question: Did sports happen on “The Bachelor?” Let’s take a look at Exhibit A.
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OK, a lot to digest here.
— There is a football involved. There is a snap of a football. It’s not a perfect snap, but it gets the job done. I mean, Ben just stands there flat-footed while this woman fully commits to playing center in an evening gown. Come on, Ben. Show some effort or take a lap. SPORTS HAPPENED: 1, SPORTS DID NOT HAPPEN: 0
— Speaking of attire, this is not traditional sports garb. You all look so silly in suits and dresses. People only take you seriously as sports stars if you own matching outfits. But remember not to wear your socks too high or rock an unapproved color of shoes because you’ll get fined. SPORTS HAPPENED: 1, SPORTS DID NOT HAPPEN: 1
— Here is the deciding factor that must be addressed: “Higgy higgy, hike hike.” One football fan might say, “No way it’s sports. No one says that.” Guess what: It’s totally sports. “Higgy higgy, hike hike” could be this woman’s audible call. It may one day rival the popularity of Peyton Manning’s “Omaha” — or so I hope. The ruling is made. SPORTS HAPPENED: 2, SPORTS DID NOT HAPPEN: 1
Oh, also a contestant on the show is a chicken enthusiast. She’s brushing her teeth with a chicken here. That doesn’t matter much to the investigation above, but if you read this far, you deserve to know that.
